Great Expectations and Souls at Night

Sunday is always hard for me as a pastor.  It’s hard because I’ve had to learn how to manage my expectations which is incredibly hard, especially as we start to open things back up after a year of not meeting in person.

I’ve been pastor at my congregation now for about 8 years and it feels at times that we have not grown.  People come to visit, but never stay.  It could be the building which is in bad shape.  It could be where it’s located, at the corner to two roads somewhat hidden from view.  But it’s hard to not wonder if the problem is me.  Are people uncomfortable going to a church that has a black man as a pastor?  I don’t know.  

Or maybe it has nothing to do with race at all.  I sometimes wonder if there is something about me that keeps people away.  There is a belief that persons on the autism spectrum make others uncomfortable.  Over the years, I’ve noticed people just don’t come to initiatives I’ve set up, no matter how I write the invite on online or even if I try to meet with people in person.  Maybe I need to do this more.  I guess I wish that if I’m doing things wrong people would tell me so that I can correct them.

Then I wonder if its time to move on or if nothing can turn this church around and it’s time to end things.  But I don’t feel that this is the time to consider either option.  

This is a long way of saying how much I feel like a failure.  I haven’t been able to turn the church around.  Not that I can do that all on my own, mind you.  But I wish that even a few people showed up on a Sunday and decided to stay.

What can I do? What should I do?  For the time being, I’m just trying to be faithful. Preach the good news.  Do acts of charity.  Pray.  Because I’ve really tried everything else.  Maybe I need to just be faithful and let God work.

I’ve been chatting with fellow pastors and I’m learning about the “dark night of the soul.”  If that sounds familiar it comes from John of the Cross. A friend has suggested a book about John and it seems fitting. While I’m frustrated that the church isn’t growing, I can also sense my own life feels rather passionless and I feel emotionally tired. It’s in these times that God might be using this time to seek God in a different way. This time for frustration might be a time for spiritual awakening. But it means listening and working through the feelings of failure.

So, I guess I will remain, be faithful and listening to what God might be up to.